Saturday, August 8, 2009

Bad Movies

What are my Top5 worst movies? This should be fun....

I finally got around to seeing Revolutionary Road the other day. It was an unpleasant cinematic experience to say the least. I had some thoughts about this movie that starred Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.
I thought:

- that I shouldnt drive for a while in fear that I might subconsciencely drive off a bridge

- that if Jack didn't die at the end of Titanic and married Rose, would their marriage end up like the one in this movie?

- that this movie was "the Anti-Notebook". Many people who love The Notebook should be issued a copy of Revolutionary Road. Then, each time they watch Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling's torrid love affair and get depressed that something like that never happens to them, they can put in Revolutionary Road and be happy to be single.

Since this movie did make me think(terrible thoughts, mind you), I can't consider it to be a bad movie. It was just an unpleasant experience...much like watching The Passion of the Christ. However, I have 5 movies that I consider the worst of the worst. Here they are:

5. Fever Pitch - Real baseball fans don't act like Jimmy Fallon in this movie. And by the way, I hate the Boston Red Sox.

4. Van Helsing- I remember looking at the walls instead of the screen during this assaulting mess.

3. Swept Away - Madonna plays the least likable character that I've ever seen in movies. Poor Guy Ritchie.

2. Lady in the Water- I think that M. Night Shyamalan's films are unfairly judged. I liked The Happening even though every critic panned it. But this movie was terrible. Turrible, turrible, turrible...

1. On the Line - starring Lance Bass...should I say more? I will. I have been known to watch this movie because I enjoy hating it. On two seperate occasions, friends of mine have threatened to leave if I didn't turn it off. Justin Timberlake's cameo in the credits only pours salt in the wounds.

Shoutout to Jaws the Revenge, I Am Legend, and The Step Mom

I wanna know your worst movies. Until next time....
Demand Satisfaction,


Joko said...

off the top of my head:

5) Showgirls
4) Godzilla
3) XXX
2) House of Sand and Fog
1)Fantastic Four (although I heard donkey boy loved it)

HM: What Happens in Vegas
Step Mom
Star Wars Episode II (but the best pick up line of all time "everything here is so soft...")

kyle said...

knee jerk reaction:

5) Talented Mr. Ripley
4) X-men 2
3) Blair Witch Project 2
2) What Happens in Vegas
1) Bride of Chuckie (though the sex scene between dolls was hott)

brent said...

off the cuff,

2. Final Destination (one of the most putrid phrases lines in all of cinema: "the Grim Reaper - and you don't even want to fuck with that MacDaddy.")
3. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
4. Year One
5. You Dont Mess with the Zohan

brent said...

thought some of you guys might be interested in this. Tarantino released his top 20 movies since he became a film maker. Interesting stuff.

“Anything Else?” (Woody Allen, 2003)
“Audition” (Takashi Miike, 1999)
“Battle Royale” (Kinji Fukasaku, 2000)
“The Blade” (Tsui Hark, 1995)
“Boogie Nights” (Paul Thomas Anderson, 1997)
“Dazed and Confused” (Richard Linklater, 1993)
“Dogville” (Lars von Trier, 2003)
“Fight Club” (David Fincher, 1999)
“Friday” (F. Gary Gray, 1995)
“The Host” (Joon-ho Bong, 2006)
“The Insider” (Michael Mann, 1999)
“Joint Security Area” (Park Chan-wook, 2000)
“Lost in Translation” (Sophia Coppola, 2003)
“The Matrix” (Andy Wachowski, Larry Wachowski, 1999)
“Memories of Murder” (Bong Joon-ho, 2003)
“Supercop” (Stanley Tong, 1992)
“Shaun of the Dead” (Edgar Wright, 2004)
“Speed” (Jan De Bont, 1994)
“Team America: World Police” (Trey Parker, 2004)
“Unbreakable” (M/ Night Shyamalan, 2000)

FYI: Battle Royale was his #1

Lyle said...

There's lots of "bad" movies, but off the top of my head and in no particular order, here are movies that disappointed me or pissed me off by watching:

Pearl Harbor - Big production, big stars, big disappointment

Patch Adams - If I am in need of medical attention, I do not want, nor would I trust a doctor in a clown's nose. Plus, again, sort of a documentary where you know you're just going the autobiographer's sunny, rosy side of their life. How dare the medical establishment seek to ensure a qualified doctor attend to all patients.

Saw - Made me physically ill watching it. I hate gore for the sake of gore.

Count of Monte Cristo - You take a classic, absolutely great book and decide to change the ending for the movie. I don't get it.

Dukes of Hazzard - Worst acting performance I have ever witnessed by Jessica Simpson.

Other notables:

Snow Day

Freddy Got Fingered

Final Destination (all of them) - These are sick. I don't need any new ideas on how I could die.

What Dreams May Come

The Franker said...

5. Varsity Blues*
4. Remember The Titans*
3. Blair Witch 2 (Kyle..I thought I was the only one who even saw this piece of garbage!)
2. Dude Where's My Car?
1. Jaws The Revenge

HM: The first two new Star Wars prequels were awful as well...but I really liked Revenge Of The Sith which eased my hatred for the other two a bit.

*I realize these will probably not be popular opinions on this discussion!!

Note: I avoid subjecting myself to stupid ass romantic comedies (the Drew Barrymore/Matthew McConaughey know the ones.) That is why there are none of those movies on my list.

Katie said...

Throwing my two cents in...

3.Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
2.Tristan + Isolde

HM: Again the Star Wars prequels, especially the second one. Also, any crappy dance movie that has come out in the last 10 years.Just awful movies.

Christopher said...

I can't believe that we actually finished these movies on the lists. I have to say, "What Happens in Vegas" was absent from my list only because I could not make myself finish it. It angered me so much.

Joe - Anybody who watched Godzilla should put it in their Top5. It just slipped my mind.

Kyle - 4 out of the 5 on your list couldnt have been good in anyway shape or form. You had to know that going in. Bride of Chucky? Most any sequel are stinkers.

Brent - I havent seen any of the movies on your list. However, I have read the synopsis of most of them and am sure I would loathe them just as much.You couldnt pay me to see Fantastic 4. Thanks for the Tarantino list...that's pretty cool.

Lyle - I havent seen any of yours either but enjoyed your commentary tremendously.

Frank - It is a known fact that you hate sports. I feel you on Varsity Blues though. I shutter to think how former players saw this movie and said "that's exactly how it was at my school" or "Our coach was the same way". I don't like this movie for that reason. However, I was entertained by it and classify it as a guilty pleasure as far as movies go. By the way, smart move on staying away from romantic comedies. They can destroy lives.

Katie - Thanks for Jivin'! I didn't like the new Indiana Jones movie either.


Lyle said...


I totally agree with Remember the Titans - and saw the ending coming a mile away. This movie production and so many others like it come from the cookie cutter screenwriting school. Get some high school kids together, have them fight though preconceived notions of each other, have them bond, and then whenever everything is at its rosiest slam the audience with a tragedy. They're using the tragedy as the climax to their movie! Shame on them for sucker punching the moviegoing audience with their amateur storyline.

kyle said...

by the way, i must disagree with mr. tarantino. dogville was god awful. it would be in my top 10 worst movies. anyone else see it?

lars van trier hates america.

The Franker said...

Lyle, thank you for agreeing with Titans. It's been a long time since I saw it, but I remember feeling king of manipulated by it.

The reason why I don't like most sports movies is that too many of them follow the same formula and use the same stereotypes and cliches.

I don't like to watch

[A]A team of misfits or underdogs composed of highly diverse (and often entertaining)individuals

[B]Who overcome inner conflict and outside obstacles (often while learning valuable life lessons)

[C]That come together as a cohesive unit to win the big game (often in an improbable comeback)against a vastly superior and formidable opponent.

...and that's all I have to say about that..for now

brent said...

I dont care what you say Frank...

I love Hoosiers!

kyle said...

is there a better movie hero than jimmy chitwood? i can't think of one off the top of my head.....

dg said...

It's tough for me to think of an entire list since I hardly ever see a movie that I know will be suckage. I guess that's why there are a few superhero movies sprinkled throughout these lists since everyone is going to see them for the most part. I guess by that same rule I have to say Transformers. I haven't seen Fantastic Four though.
Chris, even a passerby's knowledge of your taste of movies, I can't for the life of me think of why you would have even watched Van Helsing or On the Line? What did you expect? Lady in the Water is one of the most legit mentions on these lists because I can totally understand why someone would give it a go. It entertained me enough to not make a "worst" list anyway.
Frank, I don't know if anyone has ever summarized all sports movies so elegantly. Your post totally reminds me of when I was trying to explain to the wife why I don't care to see a romantic comedy:

*Two would be enemies or polar opposites are thrust into a situation where they have to make the best of it and learn to appreciate the other or rekindle their passion

*Odd circumstance leads one party to believe (perhaps falsely) that the other party is [using them/not truly in it for love/still the same old jerk]

*Just [before/at/during] the moment when one party must leave to [take a job opportunity/marry someone else/hop into a meat grinder] they realize that the conflict [can be worked out/was a misunderstanding/never really mattered anyway] and they live happily ever after.

dg said...

Just remembered, I wrote with an ink pen on the box for "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" at Ada's movie store in Gordon the caption: "DANNY HATES THIS MOVIE"

Christopher said...


Good question. What was I doing watching these movies in the first place? I saw Van Helsing in the theater when i was with people. Since leaving was not an option, I either had to go sit in the bathroom stall for an hour or stick it out. In retrospect, I should have chosen the stall.
I saw "On The Line" on T.V. There is no way I would have paid to see this. Why did I finish it? I dunno...maybe because Sloan from Entourage was in it or b/c I was too stubborn to let it get the best of me.
I realize it is not fair for these movies to make my Top5 worst list. After all, I did finish them. I can't say the same for "What Happens in Vegas" or "Snow White and the Three Stooges". And it should be noted that I've been smart enough to avoid most Eddie Murphy movies and other craptastic films that I would surely hated such as "From Justin to Kelly", "The Hottie and the Nottie" "Deuce Bigalow:European Gigilo" or any movie patterned after a video game.

As for "Lady in the Water" being my most legit mention, I would have to disagree. "Fever Pitch" was made by the Farrelly Brothers and "Swept Away" was directed by the rogue filmmaker Guy Ritchie.

The Franker said...

I'm with you fellas...this was a real hard list to make because I don't watch movies that I know I'm not gonna like. I have absolutely no doubt that Fools Gold, What Happens In Vegas, Fever Pitch, The Replacements, etc etc would otherwise occupy places of (dis)honor on my list.

I'll try to think of some films that I thought I would like but ended up hating and post them later.

If you do some research, you'll see that 3 of my five movies came out in 2000. No, 2000 was not Frank's worst year in cinematic history but that is when I was a 'critic' for the esteemed publication The Quad-City Messenger. BTW, it is much more fun to write about a bad movie than a really good one!!

Lyle said...

Hoosiers is one of my favorites. No matter how many times I watch it, I still get chills when Jimmy Chitwood hits the last shot and it cuts to "George" and the barber celebrating.

And yes, it was a Hollywood manufactured story for the most part, as it is only loosely based on the real story of Milan High School. But in my opinion, it pretty much started the sports movie formula, so being original it should be given a pass, plus it had a awesome theme song - not a bunch of kids singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough", so cliched (I really hated Remember the Titans and everything it stands for).

By the way anyone else ever think the editor should be fired for his work on this movie?

Also, I have to admit I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy.

Christopher said...

Lyle, Brent, Kyle:

Hoosiers is the greatest Sports Movie of all-time...and I don't even like basketball. "No town this small has ever been to the state championship"! This is my scene. It epitomizes the proudness of nervous dads watching their son's play sports. This movie doesn't follow the formula. These kids don't act cool like the ones in Varsity Blues.
I love this movie but do believe that any respectable school would have fired Norman Dale for some of his antics. Anyway, this is a great movie...back to the bad ones....

brent said...

Remember the Titans

One point: The player on player kiss...was that not a brave move! I would go as far as to say it was one of the most daring scenes ever in film. A family sports film made by disney and everything is going on script then...wham! I remember being totally blindsided by that. If you remember it caused quite a stir among the crazies fro the Right. Anyway, with all the criticism for its utter blandness, i thought it fair to at least mention.

Andrea said...

Well, I am kind of scared to even comment on this jive, bc I am not gonna lie I loved some of these movies that are topping y'alls lists...BUT here it goes (in no particular order) (oh and there are 6 not 5):
-Pineapple Express
-The Da Vinci Code
-PS I Love You
-Away From Her
-There Will be was just mean

Joko said...

I really feel like an idiot for not mentioning Pearl Harbor on my list....that is probably my least favorite movie of all time....I tell kids that on the first day of class and is always the butt of my jokes.....

more bad movies I can't believe I forgot:

Pearl Harbor
The King (only movie with Gael Garcia Bernal I didn't like)
She's the Man (you watch a lot of bad movies during TAKS)
Cold Mountain
The Cooler
South Park

I would like to see jim's list

it would be what about bob and crossroads I would imagine.....

Gigli (has anyone seen this, I mean I haven't but EVERYONE hated it)

I agree some movies you should just know that it is terrible but when you actually have high expectations and it is bad, it makes it worse. EX: sand and fog/cold mountain, the cooler, bowfinger....etc.....

that being said what about the coen brothers movies in the early part of the decade after o brother?

brent said...

There is a definite difference between bad and disappointing. I think the Coen brothers' early decade movies were disappointing. And sometimes those are the one's that sting the most.

Christopher said...


When I saw that Superbad made your list, my first reaction was shock. But, I would think that most women would be severely put-off by everything in this movie and so I understand your point. It's still one of my favorite comedies in the last 10 years. But I'm a man. I'm 30. Feel free to tell us what movies you liked that made our lists. I don't see why Joe didn't like Bowfinger. I even considered buying it on dvd at one point...

The Franker said...

OK..this is funny.

The Cohen Bros. are in my very top handful of directors. But they have also produced some of my most disappointing movie experiences in recent years.

-Intolerable Cruelty (This should have made my original list...I think it was one of the most mean spirited movies I can remember seeing.)

-The Man Who Wasn't There (Not gawd-awful, but just boring to me...and it starred Billy Bob Thornton!)

-Ladykillers (I didn't finish it, but it did not grab my attention in the slightest)

I guess I always go in expecting to see Fargo, No Country.., Raising Arizona, or Lebowski.

It's weird how they have brought me to such cinematic highs, yet can also deliver such disappointment at times. I'm anxious to see how "A Serious Man" plays out this fall. I know it's supposed to be a dark comedy (my fav genere) and also their most personal work yet.

B.J. said...

Here are a few.

Platoon of the Dead
Pearl Harbor
The Village
Young Guns II
Last House on the Left (original)